Healthy Skepticism Library item: 53

Warning: This library includes all items relevant to health product marketing that we are aware of regardless of quality. Often we do not agree with all or part of the contents.

Publication type: news

Carroll J.
Extreme Disease Deficit
San Francisco Chronicle 2004 Dec 8

Full text:

In casual conversation with friends or co-workers, do you often find yourself unable to keep up? When the talk turns to unwanted side effects, panic attacks or suicidal ideation, are you at a loss for words? Do you suffer from not suffering enough?

If the answer to those questions is “yes,” you may have EDD — extreme disease deficit. You are not alone; it is estimated that more than 10 million Americans, many of them young and healthy, have undiagnosed EDD. It is important to remember that you are not alone.

Read this list of symptoms and syndromes carefully: anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, ADHD, OCD, ED, priapism, unexplained bleeding, sinus pain, nausea, lethargy, frequent urination, swelling of the joints, delayed menstruation, hives, sores, dizziness, alcoholism, drug addiction, anorexia or precancerous tumors. If you have none of these, you should consult your doctor.

Modern life produces inevitable strains and stresses; if you are apparently immune to them, perhaps you have not been paying attention. There are hormones in our beef, mercury in our fish, antibiotics in our milk — if you
have not ingested any of these, you are probably not getting all you can out
of life.

Remember: Disease is a healthy thing.

Patients with EDD find themselves “out of step.” When others are taking prescription medications, they are taking placebos. When others are complaining of euphoria or extra energy, they are pretty much going on as before. Patients with EDD have trouble “fitting in.”

Fortunately, the chemists at Pfizzer-Annula have come up with a pill that helps correct some of the symptoms of EDD. You saw that coming, didn’t you?
You knew that if we’d invented a disease, we would have also invented a cure

for that disease. So we invite you to step through the door of normalcy, the
portal of acceptance, the gate of happiness. Please enter the world of IlliumT.

Say you are walking on the beach with a beautiful man or a beautiful woman, your choice. Suppose the wind is in your hair. Suppose you are laughing with
your mouth open. Suppose you are snuggling with your honey in a sand dune.
Aren’t you glad you took Illium? It’s a drug, and drugs make you happy.
Everyone knows that.

What is the miracle of IlliumT? It can produce any of six annoying but nonlethal side effects: nausea, headache, intestinal cramping, dizziness, rash on the face and upper arms or existential angst. Which is right for you? Only your doctor can say for sure. Ask him for a free sample: We’ve given him thousands. We’ve also given him a trip to Barbados for a “conference.” That’s the miracle of IlliumT.

Some people experience shame when told they have EDD. They feel they should be able to produce at least a psychosomatic disease almost on command.
Perhaps, when they were younger, they vomited almost daily. Now that they’re
older, they’ve lost their powers — we call that SI, or symptom impotence.

There is no need for shame. Lack of disease is a normal part of the aging process. Talk to your doctor. Ask him for a pen — we gave him a lot of pens.

Warning: You should not take IlliumT if you have been diagnosed with any other disease, or if you are taking medication for a disease you are pretending to have. Always drink alcohol while taking IlliumT, as alcohol will intensify whatever symptom you have chosen. If you are taking “poppers,” keep right on taking them. If symptoms persist, take a higher dose. In the event of anticipated wellness, feel free to fall into a deep depression.

Is IlliumT safe? Absolutely. We gave it to 28 healthy people for four months, and each one of them became violently — but not fatally — ill. A 100 percent success rate is very rare in clinical trials. Patients reported a wide variety of anecdotally rich symptoms suitable for the most tedious cocktail party or family gathering. Some patients experienced hallucinations, but we cannot guarantee that.

And in 2006, look for Illium XPT with added semi-narcotic opium. All the fun
of symptoms with none of the pain!